In the mornings, I love to lie in bed and imagine for awhile. Sometimes I wake up with fears and worries on my mind (like at 3 AM). If I can’t go back to sleep, I soothe myself with something fairly mind-numbing, like a funny YouTube video or a game of solitaire on my cell phone. I know that it’s good for me to search for ways to feel better, even if someone else looking over my shoulder would accuse me of being lazy or escapist.
I don’t care. I know what suicidal feels like. I know that lying in bed and playing solitaire is a step up from lying in bed thinking about frightening thoughts or getting up and screaming.
After I’ve distracted myself a little from what I’m worried about, I’ll close my eyes and let sleep come if it will, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. I don’t feel obligated to get up and work on my “problems.” If I attack a problem in a petrified state of mind, I’m not clearly thinking and I might even make it worse. So I let myself dream, whether I’m in a good or bad state of mind.
And this is what happens…
Today, in the process of simply lying there with my eyes closed, letting thoughts flow through my brain without paying any attention, I got a very inspiring thought. You see, the problem that was weighing me down and causing me so much grief somehow morphed into something inspiring. Over the course of 3 am – 6:30 am, I began to realize that not only do I have this huge desire to achieve something that had seemed impossible, but that I have this ability to do the thing I want so much. And that means that I get to feel the feelings of gratification that I so much want to have (instead of my traditional feelings of angst).
So imagination works for me. I’m not living the wonderful reality I just created in my head, but I know that if I keep imagining it, and do it with such clarity that I can already taste it, I’ll get it. This is what fun I can have. This is how proud I can be. This is how free I can be.
I love to imagine…